Coming out:   Tips for a Happy Holiday

If you gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender...

• Don’t assume you know how somebody will react to news of your sexual orientation - you may be surprised.

• Realize that your family’s reaction to you may not be because you are gay. The hectic holiday pace may cause family members to act differently than they would under less stressful conditions.

• Remember that "coming out" is a continuous process. You may have to "come out" many times.

• Don’t wait for your family’s attitude to change to have a special holiday.

• Recognize that your parents need time to acknowledge and accept that they have a gay child. It took you time to come to terms with your sexual orientation, now it is your family’s turn.

• Let your family’s judgements be theirs to work on, as long as they are kind to you.

• Create your own holiday gathering with friends and loved ones, it it is too difficult to be with your family.

Before the visit...

• Make a decision about being "out" to each family member before you visit.

• Discuss in advance with your partner how you will talk about your relationship, or show affection with one another, if you plan to make the visit together.

• Don’t wait until late into the holiday evening to raise the issue of sleeping arrangements. If you bring your partner home, make plans in advance.

• Have alternate plans if the situation becomes difficult at home.

• Find out about local g/l/b/t resources.

• If you do plan to "come out" to your family over the holidays, have support available, including a PFLAG publication and a phone number of a local PFLAG chapter.

During the visit...

• Focus on common interests

• Reassure family members that you are still the same person they have always known.

• Be sensitive to your partner’s needs as well as your own.

• Be wary of the possible desire to shock your family.

• Remember to affirm yourself.

• Realize that you don’t need your family’s approval to sustain an excellent relationship with your partner.

• Connect with someone else who is gay -- by phone or in person-- who understands what you are going through and will affirm you along the way.

If you are the friend or family member of someone gay...

• Set up support for yourself. It is important to realize you are not alone. Find the phone number of the nearest PFLAG Chapter.

• Take your time. Acceptance may not come instantly, but be honest about your feelings.

• Don’t be nervous about using the "correct" language. Honesty and openness creates warmth, sincerity and a deeper bond in a relationship. If you are not sure what is appropriate, ask for help.

• Realize that the situation may be as difficult and awkward for your gay loved ones as it is for you.

Before the visit...

• Practice in advance if you are going to be discussing your family member’s sexual orientation with family and friends. If you are comfortable talking about it, your family and friends will probably be more comfortable too.

• Anticipate potential problems, but do not assume the reactions will always be what you expected.

• Consult with your gay loved one when coordinating sleeping arrangements if he or she is bringing home a partner.

During the visit...

• Treat a gay person like you would treat anyone else in your family.

• Take interest in your family member’s life. He or she is still the same person.

• Don’t ask your gay family member to act a certain way. Let them be their natural selves.

• Acknowledge your gay family member’s partner as you would any other family member’s partner.

• Include your gay family member’s partner in your family traditions.

• Ask your gay family member about his or her partner if you know they have one.

• Connect with someone (a friend or a spouse) with whom you can talk openly about your concerns or feelings.